I’m taking a quick breather from the manuscript to share a post written in 2014 on my personal blog, expressing a new sense of optimism after a long, nasty divorce.
Reaching an exciting turning point in my novel this morning, it occurred to me that the feeling from that post still resonated. Enjoy a quick look back with me. And then forward we go.
Lately, I seem to find the most clarity as my legs hang from the diving board, my body hovering over the deep end of the pool. This is my new office until the weather chases me back inside again.
As I sit on my hard, springy chair, considering the day’s opportunities and challenges, I notice the imperfections of my environment.
I see dead plants in overgrown beds that I haven’t cared to deal with since the kids and I moved into our new home this summer. I see toys that my daughter and her new friends from next door left scattered around the yard last night. A patch of dirt where the dog destroyed the grass as he hunted for chipmunks. My hummingbird feeder still as empty as it was last week. The gate and section of fence needing repairs.
I see it all. A whisper inside my head tells me to ignore it, that none of it matters.
Freedom.
Before the divorce, my former yard was entirely pristine, and I cared about what the neighbors thought. But a new day has arrived, and I call it Freedom. (She deserves that capital F.)
The only part of my former life that remains is my love and devotion to my children. My young daughter has never been so happy. It’s a beautiful thing to watch her revel in Freedom and our new home.
After meeting and carefully measuring the intention of each new neighbor, I noticed one was too interested in what I was doing, not doing, or going to do. Two weeks later, I hired someone to build a privacy fence between his yard and mine. No messing with Freedom.
Carpe Fucking Diem.
(Yes, the added emphasis makes a difference. It’s necessary. If you were truly offended by my four-letter words, you wouldn’t be here on my blog, reading this or any of my other posts.)
After enduring a two-year-long heartbreaking divorce, I now realize that carpe diem isn’t just an expression of encouragement. It’s an emotion, a mental state. It’s my precious Freedom. This feeling is probably responsible for my being drawn to the diving board when I want to think or create. Sure, the water is deeper at this end, but I’m ready to jump in and take what I’ve been waiting for most of my life. The initial splash is a fleeting inconvenience, but the reward you get when you sink into the cool water is worth it.
Now, I see. Now, I know. There are better days out there, days full of sunshine and joy and creativity. So, let’s go get ’em. Carpe diem, dreamers!